4 Apr 2016

Why is it so different?

I vaguely remember as a child, who was in that  ignorant bubble, had wanted to become an artist. I loved drawing, making art, anything my fingers can touch - I'd draw something on it. I loved doodling, drawing, painting...it was just. Nice. Like that feeling when you made something. I liked that, so that's why I chose to be an artist.

I even had set my university goals. I wanted to go to Limkokwing University since it was an art school. I even told my parents I want to enroll into an art high school because I had no other interest in any other thing besides art.

Then.
What happened?

They'd laughed. I didn't know why. Was it dumb? Being an artist? I didn't know. I just wanted to make art as I love it dearly. For 12 years, I lived in a delusion that doing art was the best for me. I loved drawing and that was the only thing I'd imagine myself doing for the rest of my life.

And then I entered secondary school. Secondary school is no joke. It isn't fun and games anymore and by the age of 15 you should've already know what you want to be when I grow up. 12 year old me would grin and said with much confidence that yes, I want to be an artist. But...not now.

Reality is harsher than I thought. Economically blind me didn't think of that. Didn't know the real world was such a harsh harsh place to live in. Being in the arts industry - be it music, literature or drawing - it's somehow, frowned upon. In secondary school here, art students face discrimination just because they chose to pick art. And the art stream was somehow the "easy" way out.

Fuck you.

Art is anything but easy. Art includes an immense amount of self-doubt, needing constant validation on your art, anxiety and facing discrimination from society. I'm not saying that the ones choosing the other streams don't face that but I'm saying that they experience even harsher effects.

When you tell anyone that you're in science stream they look up to you automatically. I'm in the science stream because I have a big fat ego and my parents...well you understand Asian parents. They don't want to be looked down on. Their children must always be better than the other. A never-ending comparison with other peers.

I'm sick of it.

I can't do what I love because society doesn't accept this. I can't do what I love because of it's unstable future and income. I can't do what I love because there are so many risks being in the art industry. But I want them. I want the risk. Who cares if I can't afford a Bentley by 25 or that I don't own a doctorate degree. I just want to do what I love. Writing and drawing and making things. Why must society not accept those career paths. Why are they unstable?

Okay. I'll say this once and for all and if I ever betray this, just hit me or something. Do what you want, Amal. I know deep inside under that facade of wanting to be an economist because of your love for money is fake. You just want a stable income in the future, don’t you? You're a pussy after all. All bark no bite, huh. Look, you want to be a writer and an artist, right? You want to draw. I know that. So keep drawing, all right? Don't stop. And remember your love for drawing buildings? You had a dream of being an architect once didn't you? Keep it. As motivation. You can do this. You can survive. Life's tough but I'm sure there's a reward at the end.

Don't give up. Just step harder.