23 Nov 2015

Extroverts can have social anxiety too

I honestly don't want to write this as having it is embarrassing enough. But I have to as it has come to the point where it irritates my close family or friends. I'm sorry, I really am.

From the title you know two things about me: I'm an extrovert and I have social anxiety. My social anxiety is self-diagnosed when I realised how much I hate meeting people, crowds or going to places without company. The idea itself is making me afraid. But some people think this is ridiculous.

It all started when I was only 11 years old, when my school teacher called me out in front of the whole student body. I was a prefect and I came to school late on that day and she decided to call out all the late-comers and made me, a prefect that came late, do a pledge.

Look. I was only 11. I was bright and happy and when I got called I was so scared. At the podium, I started sweating and shivering - I had no words to say. I was just blank. Everyone had their eyes on me and I can still feel the judging stares and hear the hushed whispers. It was torture.

Fortunately, a teacher guided me through the pledge and with my head facing downwards, I went back to my seat. Obviously, I cried. I was so angry with myself and so ashamed. Everyone was looking at me and after that, my friends asked me if I was all right. I said I was, but I wasn't.

It all started from there. Fuck you, unmentioned teacher. You're the root of my goddamn problems.

It got worst from there, too. I was afraid to go up on stage. I was afraid to do anything that includes people staring at you. I don't like being scared but I hated the fact I could be judged more.

Not only I have stage fright, I also got scared of cashiers or people following me around. I'd rather get lost and confused than asking people the direction to an exit.

I hope you get the gist of it. It's a pain trying to list down my fears.

The next one makes me feel like crying. I have family and friends, right? It hurts when they don't believe you. Excuse your "anxiety" as stupid because apparently, I am far from shy.

My sister had laughed when I told her I had social anxiety. I wanted to cry. I'm telling you about my biggest fears and you laughed it off?

My parents aren't big of a help either. They know I am afraid of people and they always try to make me comfortable with it but the way they're helping isn't effective. Forcing me to do stuff I don't like is not okay. Calling me a scaredy-cat is not okay. Guilt-tripping me is not okay. I have a problem and you're supposed to help me fix it, not ridicule me.

My mother earlier asked me to help her go down to send some packages and I panicked. I didn't want to go. I told her I was scared. Guess what she did: she stormed off in anger. She said I wasn't a huge help. That she's making money for all of us but I simply can't help her send packages. Just because I was scared.

I broke down crying because I was angry at myself. I'm so sorry. I really can't do anything about it. I wish I could but I really...I really can't. Oh, if you only know why I can't do normal things.

I'm so sorry for my ramblings I just had to get this out. I wish I didn't have social anxiety, too, but please help me through it. Don't force me and stuff it's not helping. It only hurts me more.

My friends lowkey tried to help me, too, but...just....not helping. Telling me to "grow up", "get over it" and "you're old enough" pains me. It's not fucking easy. It really isn't fucking easy, all right? I wish I didn't have it too and I wish I could "grow up" and pay my own goddamn burger by myself, too but I fucking can't. Is it so hard to understand.

I fear of being judged and eyes following me around and hushed whispers. I fucking hate all that and you decided to ridicule me? All of you are great people. But please, don't do this anymore. Please just help me out.